044. Rejection, Eunhyuk/Eunhyuk - 1/100
pg, angst - he hasn't learnt how to handle them, not to say, handle them well
It's something that he's gotten used to doing. He's been doing it since forever, hasn't he? All these years, dancing in front of the mirrors coming from all directions of this room - the same old room, still the same one.
Hyukjae does this movement again and shakes his head at how awkward it looks. He walks up to the CD player, pressing a few keys to make the song repeat itself. Going back to the center of the room, he tries a few more different moves again. Still, none of them seem to be accurate enough, none of them seemed to be up to his standard. Maybe they are, but there's been too many rejections going on lately. He's giving up. He's rejecting himself. His shirt damp with perspiration, he flings his beanie off his head and throws it against the mirror, back sliding down the cool glass, he buries his head in his knees and he whispers to himself; soft, incoherent words. They don't make sense to him either.
Hyukjae returns the CD player to the girl at the counter 2 hours later. She mildly flirts with him and he returns her a polite smile, pulling his hand away from hers that linger for a moment too long. His heart clenches for a moment when he thinks to himself again, I'm done with girls. I'm done with you, and he thinks that he might have just growled at the girl at the counter, because she cowers and goes back to her game of Solitaire at the computer muttering something like "you're too young for me, tch". He rolls his eyes and turns sharply into the lift lobby, jabbing at the lift buttons and thinks about how goddamn horrible his pitiful life is.
We're all turning into fucking gagmen, Hyukjae thinks when he receives instruction from a certain variety show. He loves to be more serious when it comes to dancing, that might be the only thing that he's good at after all. But what in the world, to incorporate that? That's just wow, he thinks. Wow.
So he does it on the show and everyone laughs, and tries not to think about how the girl might be watching the show, pointing and laughing at him, and his heart does this back flip. But he smiles at the cameras anyway, because this is his job. He entertains, people find joy in it, they find it funny, they laugh, but he smiles anyway and he thinks he finds joy in doing this because he's making people happy and he wants to, even though he dies a little bit inside, he smiles anyway.
Hyukjae's in bed, clutching one of his many pillows close to muffle his sobs even though he sleeps alone. He doesn't want to disturb anyone, not when he's being stupid and silly again, not when he's thinking about her and about their unattainable future together. He cries harder when he thinks about the kisses they've stolen behind the cameras, cries harder when he thinks about everything that they've done together, cries harder when he thinks about how they can never do anything like that together again. He cries harder when he thinks about how no one knew, cries harder when he thinks about how he can turn to no one because of the same reason.
He doesn't hear his bedroom door open, not until he feels the bed dip down from another person's weight, not until he feels hands wrap around his shaking body. He thinks that he might know who that person is and when Sungmin speaks, his tone soft and worried, Hyukjae turns round and he cries harder, face burying into Sungmin's shoulder, thinking and wondering, hating himself for not turning to him. He cries harder when he feels hands gently stroking his back, and Sungmin's voice, hushed and consoling, fills his ears. He cries harder.
"Hyukjae, why can't you cheer up? Time doesn't always heal everything, your heart has to move on."
"Hyukjae please don't be like this. Why don't you tell me what's wrong? You can't just enter my life like that and pull this on me. You're not like this."
"You've been so sad all this time. Hyukjae..? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone? Have you? Why don't you? Don't just give me that sad smile and expect my life to go on as if nothing's wrong with you! We love you! We're concerned, why can't you just...."
He's on the rooftop, wearing a shirt that goes over his knees and a pair of sweatpants that is a size too big. He sits down on the edge of the roof and points into the far distance, laughing at nothing in particular. He points to the building opposite and he laughs. He points to the person coming out of the candy shop 3 streets down and he laughs. He falls backwards onto the blanket he'd prepared, points to the sky and he laughs.
He calms down, catching his breath, and he finds his cheeks warm and wet again. He wonders when this will stop; when he will stop thinking about her. He thinks about rejections that have happened before her and he thinks about the rejections that he may have to face in the future. I will never be ready, he thinks, lying on the blanket, eyes cast into the night sky.
And then rain starts to fall, cool against his heated cheeks. He stays still as rain falls against his eyelids, mingling with his tears. I hope the night passes quickly, he thinks to himself, a soft smile gracing his lips as he shifts slightly, mind drifting off into the cold, rainy night.
a/n: i couldn't think of a proper ending and i did this while i'm supposed to be studying for a marketing paper tomorrow god i hate marketing aksjfh akjlfaskljfh asdjfh f
and i'm sorry because i think this turned out to be an incoherent mess, just.. :/ ♥